World-renowned ignoramus Glenn Beck made an intelligent argument regarding the ‘War On Drugs’ which seems to indicate Armageddon may be on the horizon. Conspiracy theorists and Theologians alike have warned of such signs that the ‘End of Days’ is approaching; the Hale Bopp Comet, a black man being elected president, and now Glenn Beck making sense. God help us all…

It happens less often than people realize in spite of all the chatter, but every now and then a rant comes along that truly sets the angry diatribe bar a notch higher – this one set a record.

Lee Elia, manager of the Chicago Cubs circa 1983, nearly blows an O-ring in this infamous screaming match in which he spews some version of ‘Fuck’ 43 times in less than three minutes. Astonishing.

Listen to this verbal masterpiece here, or read the full text version below if you don’t think your boss will appreciate the humor of watching a madman scream expletives on company time…

Fuck those fuckin’ fans who come out here and say they’re Cub fans that are supposed to be behind you rippin’ every fuckin’ thing you do. I’ll tell you one fuckin’ thing, I hope we get fuckin’ hotter than shit, just to stuff it up them 3,000 fuckin’ people that show up every fuckin’ day. Because if they’re the real Chicago fuckin’ fans they can kiss my fuckin’ ass right downtown and PRINT IT!

They’re really, really behind you around here… MY FUCKING ASS! What the fuck am I supposed to do, go out there and let my fuckin’ players get destroyed every day and be quiet about it? For the fuckin’ nickel-dime people that show up? The motherfuckers don’t even work. That’s why they’re out at the fuckin’ game. They oughta go out and get a fuckin’ job and find out what it’s like to go out and earn a fuckin’ living. Eighty-five percent of the fuckin’ world is working. The other fifteen percent come out here. A fuckin’ playground for the cocksuckers. Rip them motherfuckers. Rip them fuckin’ cocksuckers like the fuckin’ players. We got guys bustin’ their fuckin’ ass, and them fuckin’ people boo. And that’s the Cubs? My fuckin’ ass! They talk about the great fuckin’ support that the players get around here. I haven’t seen it this fuckin’ year.

The name of the game is hit the ball, catch the ball, and get the fuckin’ job done. Right now we have more losses than we have wins The fuckin’ changes that have happened in the Cub organization are multifold. Alright, they don’t show because we’re 5 and 14… and unfortunately, that’s the criteria of them dumb 15 motherfuckin’ percent that come out to day baseball. The other 85 percent are earning a living. I tell you, it’ll take more than a 5-13 or 5-14 to destroy the makeup of this club. I guarantee you that. There’s some fuckin’ pros out there that wanna fuckin’ play this game. But you’re stuck in a fuckin’ stigma of the fuckin’ Dodgers and the Phillies and the Cardinals and all that cheap shit. It’s unbelievable. It really is. It’s a disheartening fuckin’ situation that we’re in right now. All these mutherfuckin’ editorials about Cey and fuckin aaahh…the Phillie-itis and all that shit, it’s sickening. It’s unbelievable, it really is. It’s a disheartening fucking situation we’re in right now. 5 and 14 doesn’t negate all that work. We got 143 fuckin’ games left.

What I’m tryin’ to say is don’t rip them fuckin’ guys out there. Rip me. If you wanna rip somebody, rip my fuckin’ ass. But don’t rip them fuckin’ guys ’cause they’re givin’ everything they can give. And once we hit that fuckin groove, it’ll flow. And it will flow, the talent’s there. I don’t know how to make it any clearer to you. I’m frustrated, I’ll guarantee you I’m frustrated. It’d be different if I walked into this room every day at 8:30 and saw a bunch of guys that didn’t give a shit. They give a shit, it’s a tough National League East. It’s a tough National League, period.

Original text courtesy of Everything2

Brock Lesnar is a motherfucking actor – period. Remember Butterbean? He was that fat-fuck-freak that could knock guys out with one punch ala Mickey in Snatch, but he was a terrible boxer overall. Lesnar is MMA’s Butterbean, and the day he steps inside the octagon to face Fedor Emelianenko is the day people realize what a real MMA Heavyweight Champion is made of…

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft announced today that they have signed 67 year old rookie wide receiver John ‘Pops’ Witherspoon to a one year contract in the hopes of adding some depth to an otherwise weak receiving core. At his inaugural press conference Witherspoon was asked a numerous questions by the press regarding his age and skill level which seemed to perturb the old man, eliciting the following response:

What do you know about game? I got ALL the game.

Once it was clear that despite his advanced age Witherspoon would be able to contribute to the team in an impactful way, the questioning turned to current events, specifically whether or not Witherspoon agreed with Michael Vick’s expected reinstatement into the league. After a variety of exacerbated facial expressions, Witherspoon responded:

I grab a dog. I choke him and I kick the shit out of him. All day long got my foot up a dog’s ass. Just bang, bang, bang up his ass. That’s my pleasure.

That kind of intensity, you can’t teach that. It’s a learned behavior… (thanks Sterling)