Today’s ‘Internet Age’  has spawned an era of chronic masturbators whose incessant demand for new ‘Skeet-Skeet’ vehicles has forced the industry to completely revolutionize the classic ’skin flick’ – and and not necessarily for the better according to Savanna Samson, one of many below average adult film stars struggling to cope with the realities of new age porn:

“[In the past] I couldn’t wait to get my next script,” she said. There’s no reason to look at them anymore, she said, because her movies now call almost exclusively for action. Specifically, sex.”

Adult films were once a stepping stone for C, D, and E-list ‘actresses’ to try and fulfill their dreams of mainstream Hollywood success without requiring much more than a couple titties and a working vagina. Finding the right script (no anal) and banging the right producer used to be a recipe for long-term success, but as scripting has become passe (see Zubaz and the Walkman) and casting couch fornication now a formality rather than the privilege it once was for ‘that special girl’, the new recipe is missing some key ingredients.

Gone are the days of expensive, feature length films loaded with absurd dialogue, thoughtful camera work, and egregious amounts of untamed pubic hair. Dramatic, passionate encounters simply will not satisfy today’s on-demand pud puller who prefers shorter ‘vignettes’ that last only a few minutes (much like the viewers themselves) and focus exclusively on the skin slapping & general depravity leaving  no room for the slut-turned-would-be actress to showcase her theatrical side. 21st century porn is just sex, sex, sex, and more sex… at least that’s what I’ve heard.

Inspiration @ New York Times

The ‘BK Super Seven Incher’, or tube steak for short, is a new beef-based concoction being offered by the fast food conglomerate, and frequent FDA offender, Burger King. In its latest venture, Burger King has shifted its marketing strategy by appealing to homosexual males aged 18-35, middle-aged whores (commonly referred to as ‘cougars‘) and anyone else who craves the chin dribble and endless diarrhea gleaned from seven inches of greasy, microwaved, goo drenched, Grade L beef. Though no official demographic information has been released, given the size and shape of the sandwich – along with its general resemblance to a bloated, disgusting, phallus – it seems clear that straight males are yet again being blatantly ignored by increasingly gay advertising. That sandwich actually looks somewhat appetizing… until you realize that heinous pile of meat (smothered in what one can only hope is mayonnaise) turns out to be a cock analogy. Gross! What self-respecting hetero could possibly eat that now?

‘Phall-ads’ have become the de facto standard in the world of fast food marketing these days as evidenced by the latest in a trend of wang-related ad campaigns popping up across the industry. Ad executives at  Subway created a national stir with their catchy ‘$5 Foot Long’ promotion, as did Quiznos with its extra long ‘Torpedo’ – both of  which also offer many inches of meat for just a few dollars.

Yet despite the stiff competition, the slogan ‘It Just Tastes Better’ lets the consumer know that Burger King’s seven inch beef sandwich is undoubtedly more delicious than anyone else’s seven inch beef sandwich, as evidenced by the blond woman who is pictured anxiously awaiting insertion of said seven inch beef sandwich into her gaping mouth. Getting Hungry?

Buyer Beware: These promotions are NOT to be confused with the local street walker who may offer a similar deal at similar prices, but cannot gurantee that diarrhea will be the worst of your problems following that encounter.

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In a shocking revelation, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (better known as ‘PETA’ though commonly referred to as ‘DICKs’) boldly proclaimed all fisherman to be sadist murderers in a letter penned to members of the Vermont jam band Phish. PETA’s fierce condemnation of all those who enjoy ‘impaling fish with metal hooks for fun’ includes notorious net-slinger Jesus of Nazareth (better known as Jesus Christ, or JC for short), a man some say forfeited his life via crucifixion in an attempt to save all mankind – an impressive feat!

Despite such credentials PETA insists that Christ was in fact the polar opposite of a savior, claiming instead that he is personally responsible for orchestrating the mass genocide of millions upon millions of innocent fish and thus bears a closer resemblance to Pol Pot than the Son of God.

Since murdering fish is not known to be in violation of any law across the industrialized world, PETA is limited in their ability to pursue formal legal action against Christ and has instead chosen to pursue an aggressive advertising campaign aimed at spreading truth about ‘Jesus the Criminal’. One PETA official summed it up in a brief, succinct verse (much like a parable) stating, ‘Not only did this man kill and distribute fish at his leisure, worse yet he TAUGHT men to kill and distribute fish at their leisure’, which is without question the worst type of crime there is.

The Energy Information Administration (EIA) has released new figures this month projecting oil prices to reach a high of $2.70/gallon in July, which is up $0.45/gallon (roughly 20%) from similar predictions made by the EIA last month. This continues a trend of catastrophically inaccurate predictions among ‘forecasters’ and ‘analyzers’ across all industries dating back to the dawn of man (and most recently evidenced by the financial collapse of 2008, big thanks to Joe Cassano):

“EIA said this week it expects pump prices to peak at $2.70 per gallon in July. Just last month, though, it forecast a July peak of $2.25.” — USA Today, 2009

In related news, ‘The Diatribe Daily’ has employed our own marketing analyst (pictured above) who has used a complex algorithm to determine that this web site will receive upwards of 5,000,000 visitors in June and in turn will be increasing advertising rates significantly. In other words - Pay up bitches!

Inspiration @ USA Today.com