World-renowned ignoramus Glenn Beck made an intelligent argument regarding the ‘War On Drugs’ which seems to indicate Armageddon may be on the horizon. Conspiracy theorists and Theologians alike have warned of such signs that the ‘End of Days’ is approaching; the Hale Bopp Comet, a black man being elected president, and now Glenn Beck making sense. God help us all…

It happens less often than people realize in spite of all the chatter, but every now and then a rant comes along that truly sets the angry diatribe bar a notch higher – this one set a record.

Lee Elia, manager of the Chicago Cubs circa 1983, nearly blows an O-ring in this infamous screaming match in which he spews some version of ‘Fuck’ 43 times in less than three minutes. Astonishing.

Listen to this verbal masterpiece here, or read the full text version below if you don’t think your boss will appreciate the humor of watching a madman scream expletives on company time…

Fuck those fuckin’ fans who come out here and say they’re Cub fans that are supposed to be behind you rippin’ every fuckin’ thing you do. I’ll tell you one fuckin’ thing, I hope we get fuckin’ hotter than shit, just to stuff it up them 3,000 fuckin’ people that show up every fuckin’ day. Because if they’re the real Chicago fuckin’ fans they can kiss my fuckin’ ass right downtown and PRINT IT!

They’re really, really behind you around here… MY FUCKING ASS! What the fuck am I supposed to do, go out there and let my fuckin’ players get destroyed every day and be quiet about it? For the fuckin’ nickel-dime people that show up? The motherfuckers don’t even work. That’s why they’re out at the fuckin’ game. They oughta go out and get a fuckin’ job and find out what it’s like to go out and earn a fuckin’ living. Eighty-five percent of the fuckin’ world is working. The other fifteen percent come out here. A fuckin’ playground for the cocksuckers. Rip them motherfuckers. Rip them fuckin’ cocksuckers like the fuckin’ players. We got guys bustin’ their fuckin’ ass, and them fuckin’ people boo. And that’s the Cubs? My fuckin’ ass! They talk about the great fuckin’ support that the players get around here. I haven’t seen it this fuckin’ year.

The name of the game is hit the ball, catch the ball, and get the fuckin’ job done. Right now we have more losses than we have wins The fuckin’ changes that have happened in the Cub organization are multifold. Alright, they don’t show because we’re 5 and 14… and unfortunately, that’s the criteria of them dumb 15 motherfuckin’ percent that come out to day baseball. The other 85 percent are earning a living. I tell you, it’ll take more than a 5-13 or 5-14 to destroy the makeup of this club. I guarantee you that. There’s some fuckin’ pros out there that wanna fuckin’ play this game. But you’re stuck in a fuckin’ stigma of the fuckin’ Dodgers and the Phillies and the Cardinals and all that cheap shit. It’s unbelievable. It really is. It’s a disheartening fuckin’ situation that we’re in right now. All these mutherfuckin’ editorials about Cey and fuckin aaahh…the Phillie-itis and all that shit, it’s sickening. It’s unbelievable, it really is. It’s a disheartening fucking situation we’re in right now. 5 and 14 doesn’t negate all that work. We got 143 fuckin’ games left.

What I’m tryin’ to say is don’t rip them fuckin’ guys out there. Rip me. If you wanna rip somebody, rip my fuckin’ ass. But don’t rip them fuckin’ guys ’cause they’re givin’ everything they can give. And once we hit that fuckin groove, it’ll flow. And it will flow, the talent’s there. I don’t know how to make it any clearer to you. I’m frustrated, I’ll guarantee you I’m frustrated. It’d be different if I walked into this room every day at 8:30 and saw a bunch of guys that didn’t give a shit. They give a shit, it’s a tough National League East. It’s a tough National League, period.

Original text courtesy of Everything2

Immediately following the announcement of AC/DC’s upcoming ‘Black Ice’ tour dates,  the popular adult diaper brand ‘Oops I Crapped My Pants‘ jumped over 1,100 places on the Amazon.com sales rank, in what is shaping up to be a record setting month in terms of profits for the fictional company.

Due to the large number of ‘accidents’ that have taken place over the years at past AC/DC concerts, long time promoter Garry Van Egmund is reportedly ’sick of mopping up everyone’s shit and piss after the show’ and thus has decided to require that all spectators be properly fitted with an incontinence device prior to admittance.

Depends will be provided for a nominal fee at the door, but the term ‘nominal’ is fairly subjective as consumers can purchase an entire case of Oops I Crapped My Pants from Amazon.com at nearly half the price of a single pair of Depends on sale at the concert. Not to mention the fact that Oops I Crapped My Pants can hold nearly a gallon of feces before running the risk of spillage, just as advertised:

Subject: Some men were lucky to be born with a big penis, but some can easily get it.
From: “Collin Dye” – veterinarianpl577@ridersneverdie.com
Date: Tue, July 14, 2009 9:48 am

Don’t miss your chance to become a real macho and by that we mean increasing your male dimensions. As nothing adds more masculinity to his style as decent size in his pants. Enter without knocking
—

Nothing really unusual about this piece of SPAM upon first glance as it contains all the common ingredients:

1. Poor spelling & grammar.
2. Challenges your manhood.
3. Reminds you that without a monster cock you’re a worthless piece of shit destined to fail at life.

And then you get to the part about entering without knocking – what the fuck? I guess if you’re going to commit a felony per the CAN-SPAM Act of 1994 you might as well go the distance and incite some rape while you’re at it. Stay classy Mr. Dye…