Are you struggling to urinate as frequently as you would like? Spending too much time at home or the office actually getting work done and accomplishing things? Or perhaps you need an excuse to get away from that annoying colleague, friend, or family member who continues to pester you with the same stupid bullshit, again and again, every fucking day? If any of these sound familiar, ask your doctor about ‘Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia‘ – a safe alternative to prescription diuretics that will have you pissing so often you might just give up on the bathroom altogether and switch to Depends…

Another week, another gratuitous half-naked celebrity image for your viewing pleasure. Here’s the latest Kim Kardashian bikini shot courtesy of What Would Tyler Durden Do and the paparazzi whores they pay to stalk these celebrities:

ig⋅no⋅min⋅y

1. disgrace; dishonor; public contempt.
2. shameful or dishonorable quality or conduct or an instance of this.

It seems hard to believe but ‘The Diatribe Daily‘ is wrapping up its first month in action and so far nearly 15,000 of you twisted mofos have stopped by to check out the site! Though we’re not there yet, the 15K milestone is just on the horizon and with t-minus 36 hours left in June, I’m betting that this picture of Jessica Simpson’s yabos (pronounced YAH-BOWs) hanging out will be the fast track to success!

For all her fame & fortune it seems the idea of installing any mirrors in her home has escaped Ms. Simpson as evidenced by this ‘top’ that looks more like an invitation to commit a class A felony than an article of clothing. But I guess one woman’s ‘wardrobe malfunction‘ is another man’s masturbation fodder – enjoy it you creeps:

What the fuck is a ‘Michael Jackson’? That thing is freaking me out big time. Honestly if I look at that picture for more than eight seconds my new  ’smart phone’ starts dialing 911 without me even touching it. Regardless, it seems the entire internet is flooded with horrific images of this flamboyant, crotch grabbing, albino that looks like it just came off the production line at ‘Creeps R Us’ – a fictional retailer that manufactures eerie, gender neutral mannequins who look, sound, and act like pedophiles, but are in fact ‘caring and decent’ according to workers at the production facility (known locally as  ‘Thats-Not-My-Hand Ranch’).

How did this ‘Jackson’ character’s death create such a stir that it nearly crashed the internet yesterday? The Diatribe Daily posted an incredible video featuring Hurricane Chris performing his hit single ‘Halle Berry Shes’ Fine’ in front of the Louisiana House of Representatives, yet our servers didn’t even come close to maximum capacity.  That shit, along with the rest of this site, is at least 100x more entertaining and easier to comprehend than this Jackson freak, yet it was just an average day traffic-wise for the site. What gives?

Seriously, how many goddamn people does this site have to entertain before it starts getting the same kind of attention as this unaccomplished plastic wannabe? Am I being Punk’D here? I knew it. I KNEW IT! Haha, that wily cougar hunter Ashton Kutcher must be at it again – well played sir, well played! Where are you hiding Ashton? Come on out man, I get it, the joke’s over… seriously.