Brock Lesnar is a motherfucking actor – period. Remember Butterbean? He was that fat-fuck-freak that could knock guys out with one punch ala Mickey in Snatch, but he was a terrible boxer overall. Lesnar is MMA’s Butterbean, and the day he steps inside the octagon to face Fedor Emelianenko is the day people realize what a real MMA Heavyweight Champion is made of…

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft announced today that they have signed 67 year old rookie wide receiver John ‘Pops’ Witherspoon to a one year contract in the hopes of adding some depth to an otherwise weak receiving core. At his inaugural press conference Witherspoon was asked a numerous questions by the press regarding his age and skill level which seemed to perturb the old man, eliciting the following response:

What do you know about game? I got ALL the game.

Once it was clear that despite his advanced age Witherspoon would be able to contribute to the team in an impactful way, the questioning turned to current events, specifically whether or not Witherspoon agreed with Michael Vick’s expected reinstatement into the league. After a variety of exacerbated facial expressions, Witherspoon responded:

I grab a dog. I choke him and I kick the shit out of him. All day long got my foot up a dog’s ass. Just bang, bang, bang up his ass. That’s my pleasure.

That kind of intensity, you can’t teach that. It’s a learned behavior… (thanks Sterling)

In honor of the 1 year, 1 month, and 6 day anniversary of Dana Jacobsons’ unforgettable performance at the first, last, and only ESPN roast – Slainte!

For those unfamiliar with the event, former Cold Pizza morning show host Dana Jacbonson stumbled onstage with a bottle of Belvedere and proceeded to spew incoherent drunken drivel for a full two minutes before shouting ‘Fuck Notre Dame, Fuck Touchdown Jesus, FUCK JESUS!!!’ in front of a packed House of Blues in Atlantic City, New Jersey.

Artie Lange has some new competition as the bar has clearly been raised for drunken assholes around the world who can only dream of achieving the level of inappropriate, regrettable behavior displayed by this fine lady.  The Dana Jacobson era is upon us… can anyone challenge her throne?

After an exhaustive bout of investigative journalism, ‘The Diatribe Daily’ has revealed that the tribunal responsible for hearing Richard Gasquet’s appeal to be completely fucking retarded, indicating the lack of at least one chromosome by all members of the tribunal. It takes a certain gullibility to believe the old ‘cocaine kiss excuse’ when it comes to athletes denying drug abuse, but only a panel of  full fledged morons could go so far as to completely mischaracterize the man before them (as evidenced by the photo above):

“Richard Gasquet, was apparently at a night club when he unknowingly consumed the drug cocaine during a make-out session with a woman in the club.

The 23-year-old was actually cleared of drug penalties and will resume playing According to Fanhouse.com, the tribunal panel of three lawyers said Gasquet consumed no more than “a grain of salt” of the drug, and a long ban would be an injustice in a case which was “unusual to the point of being probably unique.”

Professional tennis players, nightclubs, cocaine, and whores – this story seems to have everything… except common sense. First off, making out in the club is very high school dance-ish, and not really the preferred method for ‘tackling drunk bitches’ amongst most professional athletes. Has anyone caught A-Rod making out in the club before? Of course not. A-Rod bangs his random club hotties as he follows a ’strictly sex’ policy that helps him avoid the pitfalls of making out, which these days could cost him a 50 game suspension per MLB official drug policy.

However, not every athlete’s pimp hand is as strong as A-Rod’s and in the event that a weaker athlete does succomb to making out with some random broad in the club they’ve got to be able to properly identify the symptoms of fucked-up to determine the level of risk the gazelle poses. Clubs are filled with drunks, e-freaks, skiers, meth heads, skanks, skeezers, and skalliwags (to name a few) and without doing any reconnaissance, Gasquet was basically playing Russian roulette with his career. If Ms. ‘Whats Your Name Again’s glossy eyes and aggressive sexual behavior didn’t tip Richard off to her cocaine abuse then certainly the tingling sensation/numbness in his mouth during the make-out session should have been a dead give away.

Apparently Gasquet isn’t quite living up to his first name…

Inspiration @ The Post Chronicle